I am writing this as a personal record of my continuing efforts to live a healthy life. And although metaphorically I see this process as a journey, I know it will exhibit some of the characteristics of a war, too.
It’s a paradox. To heal, I have to be willing to fight—against the past, against the shadows in my head, against the habits I developed over the years to protect myself from pain, against the elements in this world that do not respect my boundaries, needs, or interests. I will need to fight an urge to withdraw from anybody and everything when situations make me want to hide. But I also want to learn to forgive myself for mistakes past, present, and future. I want to learn how to love. I know there will be armed skirmishes along this path that will require courage and the willingness to fight for good, as well as self-compassion when I lose a battle and falter. But for the first time in a long time, I am committing to go forth and live a full life, whatever that comes to mean, and whatever it takes. Walk, wander or fight--I'm ready to move on.
I consider “health" a gestalt concept: it has mental, physical, spiritual, social, and
financial components. Today, I feel better in some aspects than in others, but in none
have I achieved a level of optimal health. My goal is to become a healthy, “whole,” balanced
person. In pursuit of that goal, I’ve
needed to enlist help from people who are qualified and willing to give it. I
know now I can’t do this alone, and from this "weakness," I have discovered strength in the support of others. I
wouldn’t be writing this without the help of some wonderful people, for whom I
am very grateful. Writing is another way to reach out into the
world and seek connection: for someone who loves words, it seems like a logical next step.
After three+ years of individual and group therapy, my most pressing challenge is achieving physical health. I
am a 41-year old woman who is unfit and significantly overweight. I have been both much
heavier and much lighter than I am now. I have lost large amounts of
weight before, only to regain it all (and more) when problems have overwhelmed my capacity to deal with pain, discomfort, anxiety, and fear. There
have been times when I’ve been in horrible shape, and there have been times
when I’ve been in great shape, and there have been long swaths of time spent in between, up and down, over and over. I've not yet been able to get the balance right. I also have issues with binge-eating and
self-harming, which complicate things. Therefore, physical health--coupled with continuing therapy for improving my mental health--is a logical place to start towards, as well.
So. This is me at the beginning of a commitment “to suffer a
sea change into something rich and strange,” through which I hope to become the full-fledged citizen of a brave new world. I want to breach the walls I have
built between myself and that world. The space within those walls has served me as a cell--an asylum--providing sanctuary but also keeping me isolated, alone with my fears, doubts, hopes, dreams. Imprisoned. But now I crave fresh air,
sunlight, experiences, challenges, life, CHANGE. I want to breathe in the world and travel through it with my own whole
self, undaunted, unashamed. Time to tunnel out, get off the island, re-enter the general population. Time to move on.
This is why I'm here, and that is where I'm going.
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