Data

I’ve decided to weigh myself at the same time every day. I also just tossed my typically unrealistic weight loss goals out the window (WILL lose XX pounds a month, XX pounds by this date, for example)  and not put so much  pressure on myself about quick weight loss this time.

When I do make a point to weigh myself, I pay attention to what I’m putting in my mouth and to how I’m moving my body.  I’m aware of how my everyday actions impact the magnitude of the physical burden I constantly carry around. Too often in the past, ignoring what the scale reads will lead me to act like an ostrich sticking its head in the sand. I have a bad habit of weighing myself until things go catawampus with my resolve, plan—whatever it is, doesn’t matter—and then I start to “forget” that a person can’t eat a bag of chocolate peanut butter cups every couple of days and start skipping visits to the gym without their fitness level suffering or their clothes not fitting, size after size, until the light goes on and I realize just how far (very far) I’ve slipped.

(And trying to exercise off all of those bad choices doesn’t work either, no matter how much you tell yourself that—you can’t consistently out-train a bad diet.)

It may sound bizarre, but it’s true.  When it comes to weight and body image, some of us are saddled with seriously skewed perception issues. Part of the reason I am at a very unhealthy weight is that I am so good at disconnecting myself from the world I NEED to see when it intimidates or makes me anxious (like when I’m regaining weight by binge-eating).  The problem is not so much with the number itself—it really is just a measurement of mass—but with the values and degree of self-worth I’ve placed on that number.  I need to learn to treat weight like the quantitative datum it is, and not the qualitative datum I’ve internalized it should be. I need to learn to let one detail not become the total story of my personal ecosystem, inside and out.

Found these articles online which help reinforce my confidence that I’m making the right decision: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/minding-the-body/201312/daily-weighing-may-help-manage-your-weight  and http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=55489. Of course, you can find something online to support any position, but I think these are well-reasoned and helpful.

(And this is all personal and rudimentary, not generalizable and concrete.  What’s good for me is good for me, I reserve the right to change my mind about its efficacy at any time;-)

The truth is—if I want to be healthy inside and outside—I must learn to face facts and not hide.  I must learn to stop playing games with the numbers that describe aspects of my health. And the number on the scale— I want to approach that as the information it is, not as a moral judgment about me and my body.

The scale said 303 this morning. Not the highest weight I’ve ever been, and not the lowest. Certainly not an indicator of my worth.

That is all.